From Me to **********@***********.org:

Hey,

I saw your ad looking for concealable/disguised weapons. I have several fine-crafted items you may be interested in. Respond if you are interested and I will send you pictures and prices.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

I am. lets see what you got.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Here you go:



Looks like a normal spoon, right?



Wrong. It is actually a deadly 2.5" half-smooth, half-serrated knife with tactical grip. One minute you are enjoying a bowl of cereal, and the next you are fighting off attackers with this deadly and disguised weapon.

I am asking $50 for the blade. Let me know if you want to stop by and take a look at it.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

that is stupid as hell and looks like crap. unless you have anything better to offer, dont waste my time.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

I am sorry you feel that way about the spoon blade. I do have some other weapons that I think you will feel differently about.

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

fine. but if it is another knife duct taped to a spoon then you can fuck off.

From Me to Jeff ******:

Jeff,

Thank you for re-considering. Here are three quality disguised weapons that I think you will love:



At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo.



Still thirsty for justice? Try this badass M16A2 disguised as a 24-pack of soda. The box has two finely crafted holes on each side to allow for any kind of optics (not included) that you wish to attach. This weapon is only for sale if you have a Class III permit.



This cleverly disguised weapon may look like a tissue box, but is actually a Benelli M3 12 gauge shotgun disguised as a tissue box. The ultra-soft quilted tissues serve as a comfortable grip on the pump-action shotgun. Also, if you find yourself sneezing during the heat of combat, you will have a handy tissue box ready for action. Asking $1500 for the weapon. Additional tissue boxes are an extra $5 per box.

Let me know if you want any of these items.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jeff ****** to Me:

youre a fucking dumbass, shitbrained, asswipe, retarded dipshit. you prob walk around with that shit too you dumb mother fucker. I hope you get hit by a car. fuck off, eat shit, and die.

From Me to **********@************.org:

Hello,

Are you still looking for someone to inspect your sewage pipe?

Mike

From Ben ****** to Me:

Yes I am...do you have a pipe camera?

From Me to Ben ******:

Ben,

I don't have a pipe camera, but I do believe I have the means to help you. I am a little person (3 foot 2 inches) and think I would be able to fit down the pipe. I will not only find the problem, but I might even be able to fix it. I will gladly do this for $150 compensation.

Mike

From Ben ****** to Me:

You get stuck in the pipe and then I have a real problem.. No thanks.

From Me to Ben ******:

Ben,

I promise I will not get stuck in your pipe. I have done similar jobs for a contractor and have had nothing but positive results. If you are concerned about me getting stuck, I can bring a tub of olive oil and cover myself in it so I will not stick to anything.

Mike

From Ben ****** to Me:

No. The ad was for a pipe camera guy...NO MIDGETS

From Me to Ben ******:

Ben,

First off, we prefer to be called "little people," not "midgets." I thought your ad was simply looking for a solution to your problem, not specifically a pipe camera operator. Us little people have to deal with jerks like you all of the time, and it is very discouraging. Perhaps you should change your ad to express your hatred for little people. That way you will not waste the time of any other potential little person plumbers.

Mike

From Ben ****** to Me:

I'm wasting your time huh... You're wasting my time you stupid little fucker...the last thing I need is a damn midget clogging my drain. Thats right you're a MIDGET not a little person. You midgets are so touchy!

From Me to Ben ******:

Ben,

I am going to have to report your ad for being discriminating against little people, and for you being plain mean and hurtful. Just because we have little bodies does not mean that we have little feelings. Maybe next time you will be more considerate.

Mike

From Ben ****** to Me:

Go ahead you fucking midget! Hey guess what. You can come over here and suck my dick and you dont even have to sit down to do it! hahahaha!!!

From Me to **************@***********.org:

Hello,

I saw your ad looking for a grill in exchange for your landscaping skills. Do you do tree removal? If so, there is a very expensive grill in it for you.

Thanks,

Mike

From josh ******* to Me:

yes

From me to josh *******:

Great! There is a pine tree that has been bothering me and I want it cut down. You won't have to remove it. It hasn't been a problem until about two years ago when it got much taller. My problem with it is that it is obscuring the view to my neighbor's upstairs bathroom window. I used to have a perfect view of the neighbor's wife changing in the bathroom every day. She had great tits and an ass that was out of this world. It really completed my morning whenever I caught a glimpse of her. Now that this damn pine tree is in the way, I can't see a thing.

If you could go onto my neighbor's property and cut the tree down while they are at work, I will let you take the grill that is outside on their patio. I'm not sure what brand it is, but it is a gigantic propane grill. It looks really nice.

If they ask about it, I will tell them that a huge storm happened while they were at work, and the wind blew the tree over and blew the grill away. Meanwhile you will be enjoying a delicious salisbury steak from your new grill, and I wil be enjoying my neighbor's hot wife as she steps into the shower.

They usually leave for work around 7:30 AM during the week, and come back home around 6:00 PM. If you could have it done before they get back on Monday, that would be great.

Thanks,

Mike

From josh ******* to Me:

wat the fuck r u smoking dude? so i cut down ur neigbors tree and u let me steal his grille. what a grate deal ass hole. how bout i just take the grille and dont cut down the tree u fuck

From me to josh *******:

You don't know where his house is, so how are you going to steal the grill? I think my information in exchange for your services is a fair trade. I'll even let you come over for a few beers afterward, and we can watch the wife in the bathroom from my bedroom window.

Mike

From josh ******* to Me:

i dont want a stolen grille i want a real grille u retard wat da fuck is ur problem. and i dont give a shit bout naked neigbor u fuckin perv

From me to josh *******:

I assure you that this grill is real. By cutting down the tree, you are earning the grill and it will not be stolen. Also, if seeing a naked woman isn't your thing, you could probably catch the husband changing in the bathroom as well. I won't be watching, but I'm not one to judge your lifestyle.

Mike

From josh ******* to Me:

ur the fagot u dick sucking fuck fag cock sucker!! eat a fuckin dick u piece of shitt!!!

From Me to **********@**********.org

Hey,

I am away on vacation with my girlfriend for two weeks and completely forgot about her pet fish. Would you be able to go to my house and feed him every day? Normally I wouldn't let a stranger go into my house, but I am desperate and you seem trustworthy. What is your rate? I can pay you online via PayPal, or just give you cash when I get back.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

Hi Mike,

Of course I can take care of your fish but I have a few questions first:

- Where do you live? Is there a spare key/garage code/whhatever so I can get in?
- What kind of fish is it and how big is the tank? (If it is a small fish bowl then I can care for the fish at my house)
- Any special instructions for feeding the fish?

My rate for small pets such as fish is $10 per day. Feel free to call me if you wish to discuss this over the phone. My number is 610-***-****.

Jenny

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

I live at 211 ******* St (near the Acme shopping center).

The fish is a guppy but it lives in a 55 gallon tank, so you probably can't move it. It just needs one pinch of fish food in the morning and at night (in the jar above the tank).

I don't have a spare key or garage code, so you are going to have to break a window to get in. I have a garden in the backyard where you can find a rock. I would prefer if you didn't break any of the front windows because they are new. I'd suggest breaking the kitchen window in the back of the house. Now when the window breaks, the alarm is probably going to go off. I think the alarm code is 1988, but I'm not entirely sure. It is protocol for the alarm company to send the police when a window is broken, so just tell the police that I hired you to take care of my fish.

When can you be over there? I haven't fed the fish in over a day so I am sure he is really hungry.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

What? That is crazy - I'm not gonna smash a window!

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

Why don't you feel comfortable breaking a window? Don't worry, I was going to get that window replaced with a wall anyway so my girlfriend can't look outside while she is doing the dishes.

If you are afraid that you aren't strong enough to break the window, I have a sledgehammer in my shed. The shed is in the backyard and is unlocked. It is on the wall with the shotguns. You can easily break any window with that thing.

I almost forgot, if the police come, I need you to hide some weed and a bong that I left on the kitchen counter. Just put the weed in your pocket so they don't notice it when they are talking to you about the alarm, and maybe stuff some flowers in the bong so they think it is a vase.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

I don't feel right smashing your window bc how would I explain that to the police? And now you want me to hide your drugs? Do you want me to go to jail? Think about what you want me to do and then ask yourself if you would do it in my situation.. I don't think you would!

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

Think about how Gary (the guppy) feels right now. He is starving, and will most likely die if someone doesn't feed him soon. How selfish of you to put your own interests before the life of another.

Please, just do it for Gary. If he dies, my girlfriend is going to be pissed at me. The last time I accidentally killed one of her pets, she wouldn't have sex with me for a month. Do you know how expensive it is to pay an escort service for sex? Please don't make me go through that again.

If you are afraid of the police, I'll understand. I have a criminal record too, so I get why you don't want to deal with them. How about you smash the window, run in, feed the fish, and run out before they get there? It will probably take them at least five minutes to respond to the alarm.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

No! You are an idiot! I don't have a criminal record you damn moron and I plan on keeping it that way. Don't try to guilt me about your fish because its your own stupid fault for forgetting about him! Just explain to your gf that you are a jackass and forgot to take care of the fish!

From Me to Jennifer *********:

Jenny,

When we get back home and I find the dead fish, I'll have no choice but to explain to my girlfriend that I hired you to take care of the fish and you let him die. I will give her your phone number and let you two sort things out.

Mike

From Jennifer ********* to Me:

Don't you fucking dare you stupid mother fucker!

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Hello,

I sure hope you will be able to help me. I'm not sure what is wrong with my Xbox but it will not turn on. I've tried plugging it in to a bunch of different outlets, but none of them seem to work. Do you think you can help?

Thanks,

Mike

From Dean ****** to Me:

Hi Mike,

The outlet most likely has nothing to do with why your system won't turn on.

I certainly can help you though. I will rectify your xbox and can have it back to you in a week or so depending on the problem. Do you live in the area or would you like to ship the console?

Dean

From Me to Dean ******:

Oh my god, you are sick! I will not let you do that unspeakable act to my Xbox. I always knew that the internet is full of freaks and sexual deviants, but you have reached a new low. I thought your ad was for Xbox repairs, but I have been horribly mistaken.

From Dean ****** to Me:

Mike,

I'm not sure what you think I was saying. To rectify is to repair or mend something that is broken. I was only trying to tell you that I would repair your Xbox. I am sorry for any misunderstanding.

Dean

From Me to Dean ******:

Dean,

Don't lie to me. I know what rectify means, and the fact that you want to do it with an Xbox is disgusting. I can't even imagine how it is possible to do it with something that big, or what kind of pleasure that could possibly bring to a pervert like you. Regardless, I want my Xbox to be fixed, not to be violated and returned to me covered in ass hairs and feces. I will just mail it back to where I bought it and hope that the warranty is not void.

Mike

From Dean ****** to Me:

You clearly don't know the definition of rectify. I assure you I only want to fix your system.

From Me to Dean ******:

Dean,

I don't even want to know what you mean by "fix my system." Leave me alone before I call the police, you pervert.

Mike

From Dean ****** to Me:

I mean I am going to solve the problem that is causing your Xbox 360 to not turn on. That is all.

From Me to Dean ******:

Dean,

Even if you did return it to me and it worked, I would never be able to look at my Xbox the same way. There will always be the thought in the back of my mind that you took it and violated it.

I am going to post an ad warning other unsuspecting victims about the true disgusting motive behind your ad. What you are doing is sick.

Mike

From Dean ****** to Me:

If you do that then I will post an ad explaining that you are a fucking idiot that doesn't know what "rectify" means. Go fuck yourself.